I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo

Here's something to get excited about (pun intended): May is National Masturbation Month and National Orgasm Month.

Wow, I bet that's why this is my favorite time of the year.

You seem like a drunk on the go

In the past few days I've learned:

- The majority of my mom's family is nice. Super nice. Ridiculously nice.

- Highways with odd numbers go north and south, even numbered ones go east and west. Except for M 40, which goes north and south. Hmm.

- My cousin looks like Seth Green. Oh, and he's friends with Joey from 'N Sync.

- Steak 'n Shake is yummy, especially the mint chocolate malt.

- People out here use "don't" and "doesn't" interchangably, as in, "It don't matter." Oh but it does, at least to me.

- The littlest girl in the Narnia movies is Craig's mom's twin.

I've also realized my boyfriend is an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of guy.

Everybody knows the only thing we should be ashamed of is our bodies

Long flight made much longer by the presence of an unholy former boss - the one who so callously ended my career at The Times those months ago - just three rows in front of Miranda. Oh how I longed to throw something at him; instead I glared at the back of his oversized head and eventually lost myself in some British lit. Thankfully we parted ways in Chicago. Seriously, what are the chances??

And now as I sit typing this in a small house in a small Michigan town, life seems okay. Words hastily jotted in my notebook during an extended layover at O'Hare reminded me of the whole reason for this trip: "I'm here to remember my grandpa, but I'm also on a journey to discover my mother. I want to connect with the person she was before marrying my father and long before us children became her whole life. I'm determined to keep my mind open to everything, as I know this will help me understand what makes her tick. I'm doing all of this for her."

What's the story?

The plane is scheduled to leave in seven hours, and more than ever I'm wishing I could back out of it. I'm sure it will be a worthwhile experience, I'm positive it's "the right thing to do," I just am incredibly anxious about the whole trip.

I guess all I can do at this point is cross my fingers and hope my family behaves...

Maybe it's Maybelline

One of the best things ever said to me: "Holy crap, do you have any lotion?"

Um, have you seen my room? The stuff is everywhere... same with body sprays. It's a bit of an obsession.

I want to know what love is

It was sad hearing about the divorce, it was sad moving into this lonely house, but the saddest moment came when I found out the picture frames on the living room wall still had the fakey photo inserts they come with when you buy them. You know the ones: not-quite-sexy women staring down the camera while their giant 1980s hair blocks out the scenery behind them, annoying families enjoying a tinseled-out holiday, etc. The offenders in this instance are black and white snapshots of France and the Eiffel Tower.

How unhappy must they have been not to even put their own pictures on display?

Do it, do it

As I sat in Starbucks on Saturday with my friend Janette, a.k.a. one of my favorite people in the world, I couldn't help but feel bad about all the things I've missed out on in the lives of those I care about. Birthdays, anniversaries, new jobs, new cars, relationship drama... Even little things such as hobbies or vacations have flown under my radar. This became even more apparent when I found out one of my best friends from college is now engaged (OMG!!!) and then the next day when I was able to steal a few moments with Chad, who was home only for the weekend. Yes Janette moved to Scotland and eventually settled in good ol' Idaho, but telephones would have no trouble reaching these or any of the other locations my friends are currently inhabiting.

It's not just faraway folks I've neglected - there are plenty here in town I rarely see. The last time I saw David was easily a month ago when he went to dinner with Renee, and it was probably twice as long before that. Bryan is leaving for good the end of May and somehow I can't find the time to go see him? Stupid, I tell you, just stupid. And pretty much any Thursday I could go have lunch with my former colleagues at the paper, yet I always find a reason not to. What the deuce?

I've never been great with keeping in touch, but this is getting ridiculous.

Nowhere to go but up

Last night I finally confessed to someone what my dream job is, and her response was surprising yet comforting: "I've known you wanted to do that for a few years now."

Wow, really?

I take it as a good sign she didn't laugh in my face or tell me to dream on. She even seemed to think it would be a good idea. Whew. Now I just need to make it happen...

Some of the best times you'll never remember

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23

Whoa, whoa, where did that come from? I used to be a strong Christian and go to church each week, but I haven't thought about God, I mean really thought about him, in weeks. Months even. It's not that I doubt his existence. I know God's there - it's not even a belief for me, more of a fact. And yet . . . And yet I live as though I'm uncertain I'll be judged when I die. Why? Simply put, I'm an idiot.

Learning to breathe

Two sisters, a brother, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. A mountain of spaghetti. Meatballs. Five bottles of wine and some mixed drinks. French bread. A big salad. Peanut butter cookies. "Soup Nazi" and "Kenny Rogers Roasters."

Tonight was a good night.

Do you want fries with that?

Have you ever noticed how different heated food tastes when it's allowed to cool? Everything congeals and, for me anyway, the flavors are intensified. I'm also able to simply enjoy the food. No longer do I have to worry that my tastebuds will be burnt off in a fit of impatience, nor do I concern myself with whether the texture will be lost during the cooking process; I just eat.

I was thinking about these advantages as I munched on the curry Renee left in the fridge for me. "Gross Lena, don't eat it cold!" she'd shouted the night before as I attempted a sample. "You're so weird. I don't see how you can do that."

Well, Miss Renee, it goes a little like this: I'm lazy, impatient, and have a very agreeable palate. And yes, I am weird. The best thing about having opposite tastes as her are all the leftovers that end up on my plate. Choosing a restaurant when we go out is oftentimes difficult (especially when it's her and Miranda The Vegetarian), but the company more than makes up for any inconvenience - except for when she vetoes both Mexican and sushi time and time again. Is it my fault I could eat that food every night and not get sick of it??

And for the record, I don't always eat things cold, I just am not afraid to do it.

The kids that thought they'd run this town ain't running much of anything

It's impossible to tell where I'd be in this world without the love of my family and friends, though I have a feeling it is somewhere between hell and a whorehouse. From feeding me to offering advice to just listening, I can't imagine my life without such a strong support system. My parents more than anyone have sacrificed to get me where I am today, and yet far too often I feel the need to unnecessarily argue with what they say. No reason, no rhyme, I just don't want them to be right. Unfair, I know.

How old am I? The rebellious years are behind me, or at least should be. I'm at the stage where I should be able to accept their experience as valid and learn from the mistakes of their youth; for some reason I forget this whenever I step through the door to their home. My mom is great, I can't even begin to list all she has done for the family. Yes she is stubborn at times (sooo unlike me, right?), yes she can be a bit old-fashioned, but I love her dearly. My dad is such a character that it's almost impossible not to find something to laugh about with him. It's true there are times when it seems like the only things we have in common are sports or making fun of people, but deep down I know he cares about me. They both do. My mom's tears yesterday confirmed that.

I'm not the kind of child who will call or visit as often as I should, but a blog shout out has to be better than nothing. At the very least it will remind me to take the time to thank them as they deserve.

Must be somebody else's blues

Really, how can anybody feel sad when the sun is shining? I sure can't.

It's only in your head you feel left out

Something about this house makes me sad. I think it might be because it reminds me of failure: a failed marriage (my brother's), a failed career (mine). It's not so terrible when people are here, but that doesn't seem to happen all that often. No wonder Luke is so scared all the time...

I guess I don't really need to be here money-wise, but if I had a real job it would make paying rent to an apartment manager a lot easier. At least in this position I know I won't get evicted if for some reason I (please God no, please no) run out of cash. A steady paycheck would also help me justify driving the 20 miles to see my friends, or even just the 12 or so miles to good ol' Oregon City. It seems like the past couple months have been a whirlwind of spending time at Craig's house and hanging out with him and his friends/my friends, and now all of that will change. It has changed. Already I feel the pull of wanting to see Craig but not being able to. I'm afraid I might become clingy and needy and just annoying because all I want is for him to be here.

How stupid is it that those extra miles make me feel like a world away?

God helps those who help themselves, and I'm about to help myself to some snacks

It's amazing how different it feels to be moving out of this apartment compared to how it felt when we moved in. Not just the influx of direction, obviously, but the entire situation. Even though I've had apartments before, moving in with Kim and Renee felt so grown up, so adult. It also seemed like it was going to be so much fun. As the three of us - plus Miranda, Justin and David - unpacked the pile of boxes and began putting together furniture more than a year ago, it felt like the lease we had just signed was more of a six-month excuse to party. We all had jobs, we all had bills, we all had boy problems we were going to share with one another night after night. Now I don't have a real job, Kim is in Seattle, and Renee and I are downsizing to renting rooms in our brother's house. In Molalla.

I feel as though I missed something somewhere, like perhaps I am going backwards in my life rather than moving forward to maturity. Shouldn't I be getting ready for a family? For marriage? For some big promotion or raise? For my own house?? This is not how I saw myself at this age. Was my life plan too specific or have I lost the plot somewhere along the way?