Back in the habit

What happened to there being loads upon loads of things to do online at 3 a.m.? I finally gave in to my sinus headache and decided I should at least capitalize on this inability to sleep (a.k.a. navigate the gossip sites on the internet, check up on old friends, find new music), and for what? It seems I haven't missed out on a whole lot by being too busy with writing lately. Or, perhaps I am just turning a new leaf of maturity.

Ha! I crack myself up.

The sun will come out... tomorrow?

Nobody likes a whiner, so I'm not going to complain about everything that went wrong today. Instead I think I'll list off the things that went right:

My cold got a little better.
I finally got to eat the grapefruit I've been craving all week.
It didn't snow.

That's pretty much it. As you can see, the day sucked.

What's in a name?

Is Redland a weird name? How about West Linn? I went to Heppner this weekend to celebrate Craig's dad's retirement, and on the drive over I started thinking about how strange all the names of the towns/cities in Eastern Oregon are. I'm sure familiarity is a lot of the reason Milwaukie, Damascus, Molalla, Carver, Clackamas, Sellwood, Tigard seem normal to me, though I still can't help but think the names of cities near Portland are better than the ones in that part of the state.

Like Ione (I own what?)...
Rufus is what I would name a dog...
Enterprise is the name of a starship...
Condon sounds eerily similar to condom...
Fossil is an ancient artifact...

Even Heppner sounds like the noise I make when I hiccup. I'm not making fun of the people who grew up in any of these places or even live there now, I just find the names to be a touch on the bizarre side. Agree? Disagree?

"If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And – which is more – you'll be a Man, my son!

– Rudyard Kipling

Maybe it does grow on trees

The economy is tanking, jobs are being cut left and right, people are flocking to get on welfare... So then why are there always so many people at the mall? How is Best Buy constantly staying busy during this post-Christmas, pre-summer season? I doubt shoppers are just out there trying to do their part to keep capitalism going (AKA spend, spend, spend); some might, though certainly not all of them can have this in mind. It seems like it's more of an attitude of disbelief that is prompting people to continue to spend. Listen to the news on any given day and you'll hear reports of huge stock market losses, but around here it's almost business as usual. I honestly would like to know why. Maybe they think everything will be okay just as soon as Obama takes the helm. Ha, right.

Love and labels, baby

Sometimes Carrie Bradshaw (AKA Sarah Jessica Parker's character in Sex and the City AKA pure awesomeness) wears the most amazing clothes; other times, not so much. Like the fanny pack she was sporting in the episode I just watched -- I'm pretty sure those things were never considered cool in the history of the world, yet for some reason she is shown pairing one with tight pants, a tank top, and heels. How is that fashion?? And the tutu and see-through leotard thing from the starting is just atrocious. I can remember other huge style misses from throughout the series, ones that would get normal people like you or me laughed at for wearing, but there have also been some really amazing outfit combos. So my question is this: How many bad clothes is one allowed to wear while still being considered stylish?

I told you so

I love to be right about things. A lot of times I'm not, but I really do enjoy it when I am. That's all.

O-o-kay

A funny thing happened earlier this evening, and I'm still trying to understand it. Here's the setup: Renee and I are at the Sweet Factory at Bridgeport Village; she is picking out candy, I am trying to contain my indignation at the prices. She pays for her selections ($13 for a bag of candy?! Oh my...), and as we walk out, a little girl runs up and asks, "Did you buy that candy for your children?" Renee and I stop and just stare at this kid who came out of nowhere with her random question, like "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Finally, after what felt like minutes of silence between us, I force out something like, "Nooooo, we don't have kids." The girl seems to accept this answer, and I somewhat jokingly add, "We just like candy." As we quickly walked away, I heard the father of Miss Nosey say, "What did you just ask those girls?" I'm guessing she wandered away from the playground equipment nearby and he was just as surprised by her inquiry as we were. So now I want to know if she was watching us as we looked at the candy inside the Sweet Factory (and if so, why?), and what exactly prompted her to run up to us.

And for the record, a play structure next to the candy shop is just plain mean to all parties involved.

An ode to Costco

I think I know one of the reasons why I love Costco: It brings back so many memories. Growing up in a large family made massive shopping trips a necessity, so the monthly excursions to the big box store became a ritual to look forward to. I could always tell when it was getting close to shopping time, as the cupboards would be empty and the list on the fridge would be a mile long. Sometimes Dad would ride in the car with us, other times he'd meet us there, and as we got older, we would just go by ourselves. I think it was easier going without him -- weekday morning trips were far less stressful than shopping on a busy weekend afternoon. Plus, Mom couldn't get angry at him for wasting money on random stuff.

And the samples... ! Free food is always a good idea, even more so when you are a child. I remember how special it felt to score mini servings of pizza bites, cookies, fruit snacks, chips, soda, or even ice cream. When we were especially fortunate, Mom would bring us along around dinner time and let us get Costco dogs on the way out. Sometimes we'd even pick up a huge package of the hot dogs, buns, and sauerkraut to help recreate the experience a few nights at home. Ahhh those were the days.

I still think Costco is an amazing store with mostly reasonable prices, but I can't help wondering how much of my love affair is due to the attachment I formed at a very young age. Even still, I doubt I will ever find a better place to buy trail mix, hummus, jumbo muffins, toilet paper, cat food, hot dogs, a giant bag of pretzels, or beef jerky.

A fault of my own

I'm a coward, an absolute wuss who is afraid of life. I came to this conclusion after spending last night at a party with the people I used to work with. We all gathered to celebrate Jennifer's move to Germany in a couple weeks, and I wished to God I'd had something interesting, positive, exciting to tell these people -- these friends -- I'd done since the big layoff. It's true I've traveled a bit here and there (and much more than I'd done in my life), but none of it could compare to the cool places these people had gone to in addition to keeping exciting journalistic careers. It gets worse: Since last March, one of my former colleagues has gotten married, another had a gorgeous baby girl, another is a soon-to-be mother... and I'm just me. I fail in all accounts.

So I asked myself why, in the span of time since my editor position was eliminated, have I not found a steady source of work. Do you know what my answer was? Fear. I am terrified of the job hunt, of interviewing, of working, of putting myself out there for the world to judge. What if I can't find anything? What if not one manager deems me worthy of a regular position? Or worse, what if I land a job doing the simplest of tasks that somehow turn out to be too difficult for me to get the hang of? I cannot bear to watch another job slip away. I thought by not settling on anything I was keeping my options open, when in reality, my not deciding was a way of choosing. I chose to be a loser. I chose to be a disappointment. I chose to hide the tears as my younger siblings make jokes at my expense in front of me and, most likely, behind my back. Being laid off is like a wound that can heal with the help of medicine, except I have let mine fester and rot to the point of needing amputation. And it's all my fault.

It's obvious you don't care

You know you're getting old when what previously seemed attractive about a guy is now a turn-off. For example, watching the Fall Out Boy video for "I Don't Care" made me hate the vision of a man wearing eyeliner and skinny jeans. The band members were running around acting like a bunch of idiots (albeit, on purpose) while dressed like teenagers, even though they haven't been teens for what, like 10 years now? At least 29-year-old Pete Wentz is old enough to know. There is an age when angst and dressing like a punk become ridiculous, and I think it's somewhere just before the big 3-0. Ha, he's even a father now -- How stupid to go out looking like an immature jerk with a baby in tow. I guess dressing "cool" is part of the rock star life, even though I get the feeling these guys would be dressing the same whether in a band or working at McDonald's. All the time I see people who think shirking style in favor of trends makes them cool, only to wind up looking like a slacker. It's kind of sad.

No, to me a grown man should wear shirts that fit (ones with collars are a bonus), clean pants or jeans, and shoes that aren't necessarily made for skaterboarding. Also, what's up with always wearing hoodies? There is such thing as a jacket that doesn't have a hood attached. Men should know there is nothing wrong with wearing clean, classic, and classy attire.

And I'm aware of how snobbish I sound right now, but hey, I don't care either.

A fault like that

I can’t decide what’s worse: To think to yourself, "I’m glad I’m not messed up like (insert name here)"; or to think, "Wow, my life would be much better if I was (insert name here)." Neither of those thoughts will get you anywhere – one will lead to dissatisfaction, the other will lead to arrogance and a sense of self-importance. I blame it on Arby's. I blame everything on Arby's.

So much doubt

This isn't what I went to school for, is it? All that hard work, all that money, all that time spent memorizing and writing and reading and reciting has gotten me what? Not very much. I'm not entirely convinced it was worth it. I feel like I've written this too often for it to have meaning anymore, yet the idea continues to run through my mind with the same impact it did that first time I thought it. Where do I go from here?

My yearly review

I know, I know, looking back on the year 2008 is a little cheesy, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want to. I want to fill this out. So there.

JANUA​RY

1 Who kisse​d you on new years​?​​
Craig, but only after we fought a lot.
2 Did you have a New Year'​​s Resol​ution​ this year?​​
I'm sure I did, probably something along the lines of getting in shape and being happy.
3 Does it snow where​ you live?​​
Sometimes, but usually not very much.
4 Do you like hot choco​late?​​
Indeed, especially when it's from 7 Eleven. Yum!
5 Have you ever been to Times​ Squar​e to watch​ the ball drop?​​
No, and I think the amount of people there would send me into convulsions. I'm very claustrophobic.

FEBRU​ARY
1 Who was your Valen​tine?​​
Craig! We went to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate.
2 When you were littl​e,​​ did you buy Valen​tine'​​s for the whole​ class​?​​
We had to.
3 Do you care if the groun​dhog sees its shado​w or not?
Nope.

MARCH​
1 Are you Irish​?​​
Maybe a teensy little bit that I don't fully know about.
2 Do you like corne​d beef and cabba​ge?​​
Yes, plus the potatoes and cornbread. Mmm mmm Renee made a killer meal last year.
3 What did you do for St Patri​ck'​​s Day?
Ate the food mentioned above in the Oregon City apartment. It was delicious.
4 Are you happy​ when winte​r is prett​y much over?​​
Absolutely! I hate the cold, rainy months.
5 Do you get tons of candy​ for Easte​r?​​
Not at all, actually. We never really have.

APRIL​

1 Do you like the rain?​​
Hardly. But at least it's not snow, right?
2 Did you play an April​ fool'​​s joke on anyon​e this year?​​
Not that I can recall.
3 Do you celeb​rate 4/​​20?​​
Haha, no.
4 Do you love the month​ of April​?​​
It's not the worst, though it is kind of dull. This year the whole family went to Michigan, so that was neat.
5 Your birth​day is in April​,​​ isn'​​t it?
Wrong! I like how assuming the writer of this survey is...

MAY
1 What is your favor​ite flowe​r?​​
Tulips.
2 Finis​h the phras​e "​​April​ showe​rs…"​​
bring May showers, which bring June showers. I'm a native Oregonian, what can I say?
3 Do you celeb​rate May 16th:​​ Natio​nal Pierc​ing Day?
Never heard of it. I might this year though.
4 Is May anyth​ing speci​al to you?
There are a few birthdays in there, plus it's almost summer which equals fun times. So yes, it is special.

JUNE
1 What year did you gradu​ate from high schoo​l?​​
2001
2 Did you do anyth​ing fun durin​g this month​?​​
My birthday, Joseph's birthday, lots of other birthdays, and the big golf tournament in Heppner was at the end of the month. That was loads of fun.
3 Do you have a favor​ite baseb​all team?​​
I guess the Mariners, but I also kind of favor Cleveland.

JULY
1 What did you do on the 4th of July?​​
Had dinner with the parents and then went downtown to watch the fireworks.
2 Did you watch​ the firew​orks?​​
Yep.
3 Did you blast​ the A/C all day?
I'm sure it was on, but I bet I didn't need it very much.

AUGUS​T
1 What was your favor​ite summe​r memor​y of '08?
That is a tough call. My birthday party was great, as was the weekend in Heppner, the first beach trip, and Craig's birthday dinner.
2 Did you have a sunbu​rn?​​
Not that I can remember...
3 Did you go to the pool a lot?
The pool at Craig's house, what what.

SEPTE​MBER
1 Are you atten​ding colle​ge/​​schoo​l?​​
I haven't for about 3 years now.
2 Do you like fall bette​r than summe​r?​​
No way. Fall is a sad time for me, as I mourn the loss of sunshine and warmth.
3 What happe​ned this month​?​​
Mir's birthday. I think that might be it.

OCTOB​ER
1 What was your last Hallo​ween costu​me?​​
Um, I think it must have been one of the sand monster things from Star Wars.
2 What is your favor​ite candy​?​​
Oh dear, probably peanut butter M&Ms, but anything with caramel is also right up there.
3 What was your favor​ite thing​(​​s)​​ about​ this month​?​​
The Idaho football game against New Mexico State was amazing. Okay, I didn't really pay attention to the actual game, but the weekend was fabulous.

NOVEM​BER
1 Whose​ house​ do you go to for Thank​sgivi​ng?​​
Mom and Dad's.
2 What are you thank​ful for?
My family and friends, Craig.
3 Do you love stuff​ing?​​
Oh my gosh, yes. My mom makes the best in the world, hands down.
4 Anyth​ing speci​al in this month​?​​
After-Thanksgiving sales, the pre-Christmas buzz around town.

DECEM​BER
1 Do you celeb​rate Chris​tmas?​​
Heck yes!
2 Have you ever been kisse​d under​ the mistl​e toe?
I'm not really sure.
3 What do you want this year?​​
An Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
4 What do you love most about​ Decem​ber?​​
The excitement of the Christmas season! The cookies, the shopping, the music, the decorations, the tree, the church services, the happy feeling that fills the air -- all of it is just so special.

Rain, rain, go away

I wish problems really could just go away if you pushed them out of your mind. For once I would like to have something disappear solely because I ignored it, rather than having it reappear at a later time as an even bigger issue. How great would that be? "I didn't pay my taxes and the IRS is pissed? Oh well, I don't care!" "The boss wants to talk to me in private about my recent tardiness? Sorry, I'm too busy and important." "A voicemail from the collection company about some unpaid credit card bills? Delete." Ha, who am I kidding? Nothing would ever get done, nobody would care, and the world would be utter chaos. But still, sometimes I like to think about how nice it would be...

A new project for the new year

Today I bought a broom and swept the kitchen. I took the trash to the dumpster. I tried on some shoes without buying them. Oh yeah, and I created a new blog: http://i-are-smart.blogspot.com/. Check it out!

Men are like diamonds

For me, selecting a new calendar is a roundabout way of showing what interest I deem will be appropriate for the next year of my life. Growing up it was always Winnie the Pooh or Tigger. Later on I had Lance Bass/'N Sync, after that I think I had Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Mutts, Clay Aiken, Sex and the City, Justin Timberlake -- You get the picture. I've had a lot of different calendars throughout my lifetime, but there is one series I have grown very fond of that involves scantily-clad men and ironic slogans. That's right, I'm talking about the "Men are like... " calendars. My favorite from last year is, "Men are like fairy tales... They seem to make more sense when you're young." Jaded? A bit. Sarcastic? You bet. Funny? To me, absolutely. Some people find it offensive, and by some people I mean my friend David. I couldn't tell if he was serious or if he just liked to argue with me, so for Christmas last year I got him a "Women are like... " one. He later told me he didn't even open it, so maybe he wasn't kidding. Waste of money, anyone?

I get a kick out of these things. I sent one to Renee as a gag gift when I was going to school in Pullman, and I liked it so much that I had to get one for myself the next year. And the next. And the next. I didn't buy one this year because I was hoping my mom would give it to me for Christmas, and now that I know she hasn't, I should be able to easily go out and get it. Right? Sure, except the only one I've seen was at Washington Square. Do I want to drive all that way for one measly item when I have a Barnes and Noble (gift card alert) right by my house? I guess not. I guess I'm too lazy to risk wasting my time and gas for something that may already be sold out, since I bought my 2009 calendar earlier tonight.

So what will be gracing my walls for the next 12 months? "Skylines of the World, Past and Present," which contrasts photos of what notable cities used to look like with what they look like now. It's kind of cool. Plus, this was literally the only decent one left at B&N. Well, there was a Family Guy one that was funny, but Renee and I agreed that it "just wasn't me." Maybe this is just my year to become a more mature individual. Goodbye poster men and man-bashing humor... I will remember you fondly.

Bad form

Being around my family is so exhausting sometimes. Like earlier today when we had our delayed Christmas dinner: Everyone was in a bad mood because Mom planned on dinner being done early in the afternoon and Dad was on his usual schedule of sitting down at around 7, but neither of them communicated any of this, causing the food to be ready at varying times. Us girls literally laid around all afternoon doing nothing -- which is fine when it's an actual holiday, but not so much during the rest of the year. All they had to do was talk about things and then tell us the plan, yet for some reason they did not.

I paid the favor forward by becoming really nit-picky with Craig. Way to take it out on an innocent person, eh? I love my parents to death, but God help me if I turn into them.

Good friends, good times

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed exploring the world around me until tonight, when the girls and I skipped a movie we'd planned to see and went on the prowl for some fun. There is nothing like a night drive with the music loud to make you remember how great you have it. Thank you, reasonable gas prices, for making this night possible.

A new beginning

Hello 2009! I know some people think new year's resolutions are trite, and while I somewhat agree, I still make a few in my head to motivate myself toward change. This year I additionally am going to map out some goals for what I hope to accomplish during the next 365 days, including:

Write every day. Even if it's only a page in the back of an old notebook, I want to try to keep my thoughts in order by getting them down on paper.

Try new recipes. I'm not afraid to experiment with weird ingredients, so I'd really like to find recipes that incorporate classic flavors with unfamiliar tastes. I want to be confident about working with curry, quinoa, cardimom, risotto, turnips, shrimp, kale.

Figure out what I want to do with my life. Do I want to keep trying to make it in an industry that's going to get worse before it gets better - if it even will? Do I want to go back to school to be a teacher? Should I start looking for something completely random that will earn me a lot of money? Hmm. Hmm.

Find meaningful employment. I want to start working somewhere that not only pays me a fair wage, but that also gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes me excited to get up in the morning. This coincides with the one listed above.

Ask for more favors. I do a lot for a lot of people, but for some reason I feel guilty when I ask anybody for help. This needs to change.

Stop worrying.

Run a marathon. I really want to do this for me, and if I can get hooked up with one that helps out a good cause, even better. This must happen before June 12.

Dress smarter. I've decided that I would rather be overdressed than underdressed. It's okay to look classy when only going to the store for milk, and in honor of that I am pulling my heels out of their hiding place in the closet. Sorry feet, it must be done.

Stop making plans and not doing them. Pick something, do it, move on; otherwise I end up feeling like a failure.

Don't be so negative. It's okay to look on the bright side of things. Really, it is.